Faux Press Release: Lightspeed Inc.
Creston, IA Oct , 2018: This past Sunday, Lightspeed, Inc. demonstrated their new teleportation device by sending students across the world in seconds.
The company transported Northwestern students between the cities of Evanston and Doha, demonstrating the safety and simplicity of the Lightspeed device.
“The transition was instantaneous and I didn’t feel any pain—if anything I just felt the dramatically quick climate change,” said Marcus Rodack, one of the Northwestern students that demonstrated the teleportation device. “One second I was cold and humid in Evanston, and the next second I felt hot and dry. It was a bit eerie.”
The technology for this machine was created by Lightspeed founder Isaac Bradbury, who previously worked at Intel and the Defense Department. 15 years ago, however, he quit his role in the corporate world and moved to Creston, Iowa-- a town of 8,000 in southwestern Iowa.
In Creston, Bradbury bought 80 acres of farmland and started a dairy farm. He worked as an electrical engineering and computer engineering professor at a local community college to fund his continued exploration into molecular reassembly.
“I wanted to change the world in a big way, and I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to do that sitting in an office behind a desk,” Bradbury said. “I needed space, I needed fresh air, and I needed time to put my ideas into action.”
Bradbury’s work stayed on his dairy farm, from conceptual design to full implementation. He first tested the technology on his farm, teleporting mice small distances. He then moved on to dairy cows, sending them from one end of the barn to the other. He then sent his assistant, Molly Watson, from his laboratory to the barn.
“Although it was a risk to be the first human to experience teleportation technology, I’m so excited to be a part of this history in the making,” Watson said.
The device Bradbury and Watson developed disassembles any given item on a molecular level, transports them to another specific location, and then reassembles them. The entire process takes less than two seconds and can be done anywhere that the special transporter room can be built. It only requires that the precise GPS location coordinates are available.
Once widespread, this technology would deeply impact the infrastructure of the travel industry. For those who can afford the device, it would eliminate the need for the use of cars, trains, subways and airplanes.
“Transportation technology will be revolutionized by this machine,” Sloane Mann, a transportation stock analyst, said. “Worried stockholders are already pulling out holdings from major airlines. As the Lightspeed technology proves accessible, we’re going to see a more urgent drawback from holdings in classic transportation.”
The company already has Facebook and Google knocking on its door to talk about acquisitions.
“Lightspeed is privately held right now, and everyone’s holding their breath in anticipation of claiming a steak in the company,” Sloane Mann said. “I’m predicting that this will be one of the largest and most anticipated initial public offerings in recent history.”
Separated from this frenzy in the stock market, Bradbury will return to his 80-acre lot in Iowa after the public demonstration. Getting back home will take ages—a full hour long flight.
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